DESIRE AND DIFFERENT SEX DRIVES
Low Desire and Different Sex Drives in Marriage
One of you wants sex more often than the other. Maybe the gap showed up after kids, after a hard season, or it has been there from the start. However it began, it has probably started to hurt. The spouse who wants more feels rejected. The spouse who wants less feels pressured. Both of you have started to wonder if something is wrong with you.
Here is what I want every couple to hear first: different sex drives are one of the most common concerns couples bring to therapy, and they are workable. Neither of you is broken. This has been the focus of my career, from my doctoral research to my book You, Me, and We to my podcast, and I have watched many couples move from years of hurt to a sex life that works for both of them.
What desire discrepancy means
When partners want sex at different frequencies, therapists and researchers call it sexual desire discrepancy. Researchers describe it as a normal part of long-term relationships, not a sign that something is broken (Herbenick, Mullinax, and Mark, 2014; Vowels and Mark, 2020). The European Society for Sexual Medicine recommends treating it as something a couple works on together, not one partner's problem (Dewitte and colleagues, 2020).
Normal doesn't mean painless, though. In a study of more than 1,000 married couples, bigger gaps between the sex people wanted and the sex they were having went with lower satisfaction and more conflict (Willoughby, Farero, and Busby, 2014). A more recent study that followed couples daily for five weeks found that on days the gap between partners was bigger, sexual distress was higher the next day, and a bigger gap at the start predicted more distress a year later (Jodouin and colleagues, 2021). My doctoral dissertation at Brigham Young University followed married couples in midlife for five years and tracked the gap between how often each spouse wanted sex and how often they had it. Husbands reported larger gaps that held steady over time, while wives' gaps narrowed, and husbands who felt less secure in the marriage reported bigger gaps (Hughes, 2013). Researchers are still building on that question of how attachment and desire differences fit together (Muise, Bockaj, O'Sullivan, and Ronis, 2024). The gap is worth taking seriously instead of living with it in silence.
Low desire is related but not the same. Sometimes one partner has little or no interest in sex, or interest that has faded, in a way that bothers them. When that happens, we look at individual causes as well as the relationship. You can see more concerns we treat on our What We Treat page.
Why it happens
Desire is shaped by much more than attraction. Stress, sleep, hormones, medications, pain, depression, anxiety, parenting, past experiences, and how safe and close you feel with your spouse all play a part (Mark and Lasslo, 2018). Two people sharing one life will rarely line up on all of those at the same time.
Desire also shows up in different ways. Some people feel desire first and then want sex. Many others feel desire only after things get started and they feel close and relaxed. Sex researcher Rosemary Basson called this responsive desire (Basson, 2000). It is common in both women and men (Murray and colleagues, 2017), and it is not a lack of love. In You, Me, and We I encourage couples to own any sexual desire you feel and not to rank it (Hughes, 2017). Responsive desire counts.
There are also many good reasons to want sex besides feeling turned on: wanting to feel close, wanting to show love, wanting to please your spouse. Research has found hundreds of different reasons people have sex (Meston and Buss, 2007). Recognizing yours can take pressure off both of you.
The cycle that makes it worse
Most couples I see are stuck in the same pattern. The higher desire partner reaches for closeness and gets turned down. Over time that feels like rejection, so they reach more often, or they stop reaching and pull away hurt. The lower desire partner starts to feel pressure every time a hug might lead somewhere, so they avoid, and the avoidance feels like more rejection. Each partner usually ends up trying to bring their spouse over to their side.
Researchers call this the demand and withdraw pattern, and therapists often call it the pursue and withdraw cycle (Christensen and Heavey, 1990). Research links it to lower relationship and sexual satisfaction (Schrodt, Witt, and Shimkowski, 2014). A recent study that watched couples discuss a sexual disagreement found the same pattern predicted lower relationship satisfaction a year later (Rosen and colleagues, 2025). Having sex out of pressure or obligation also goes with lower satisfaction. Nobody means to create this cycle. The goal of therapy is to get both of you out of it, not to decide who is right.
It is not about sex. It is about what sex means.
Here is the idea at the center of how I work with desire differences. Each of us has our own ways of connecting, of being seen, and of seeing our spouse. For many higher desire partners, sexual closeness is one of the main ways their heart knows it is chosen and wanted. For many lower desire partners, emotional connection, unhurried time, and feeling truly seen come first. This isn't a men versus women pattern. Men report a somewhat higher sex drive on average, but the overlap is large (Frankenbach and colleagues, 2022), and either spouse can be the higher desire partner.
Neither way of connecting is more valid. The problem isn't that one of you wants sex more or that one of you wants emotional connection more. When either way goes unseen for a long time, it can feel like rejection, neglect, or even abandonment.
On my podcast I use an analogy I call the sexual playground. The higher desire partner is longing for their spouse to come play on the playground with them. That doesn't simply mean more sex. It means engagement, curiosity, and wanting to be there together. The meaning comes from emotional engagement. The same is true in reverse: talking or spending time together only meets the lower desire partner's need when their spouse is truly present.
Research backs up the importance of why and how you show up. On days when people pretend to feel more desire than they do, both partners end up less satisfied (Horne and colleagues, 2022). Having sex to avoid conflict or disappointment tends to hurt the relationship, while having sex to feel close or share pleasure tends to help (Impett, Peplau, and Gable, 2005). And choosing to connect sexually out of genuine care for your spouse, even when your own desire starts low, can benefit both of you (Day and colleagues, 2015). In couples where the man has low desire, having sex for reasons he truly endorses, rather than out of pressure, predicted more intimacy for both partners (McClung and colleagues, 2024). The difference is freely chosen engagement, not obligation.
In session, I might relay the sexual playground analogy by saying that anyone that wants to play on an actual playground doesn't just want someone to just follow them around and go on the slide, then the monkey bars, and then climb the rock wall. It's not about doing the activities with them and being there for the other. It's about emotional investment. It's about wanting. It's about enjoyment. It's about actually wanting to be on the playground. Wanting to go on the slide, monkey bars, and rock wall. It's about wanting to be there and losing self in the play. If those specific activities don't sound like fun, then changing it up or making other suggestions where both partners are wanting to be there together. Not just doing the sexual things one's partner wants to do and following them around the playground. We all know when someone is just going through the motions and when someone actually wants to be there. It's the same with sex.
Four patterns I see in both partners
On my podcast I describe four types of higher desire partners and four types of lower desire partners, using the same labels: Inaccessible and Cold, Accommodating and Disengaged, Misguided and Wanderer, and Engaged and Open. Most of us recognize ourselves in more than one of them depending on the season.
The goal for both partners is to move toward Engaged and Open. Research points the same direction. Meeting your partner's sexual needs while ignoring your own tends to go with lower satisfaction (Impett, Muise, and Harasymchuk, 2019), while caring about your partner's needs as well as your own helps keep desire alive over time (Muise and colleagues, 2013).
Three steps toward a sex life that works for both of you
1. See and respect the difference
Each partner's level of desire gets accurately seen and respected. Most couples have spent years fighting for their spouse to become more like them. Your spouse will not become you, and that is okay. Loving your spouse means seeing who they are and connecting with them where they are, while still valuing yourself.
2. Notice and answer bids for connection
Relationship researcher John Gottman calls any attempt to connect a bid, like a touch, a question, an invitation, or a joke (Driver and Gottman, 2004). In desire discrepancy, bids from both partners often get missed or misread. We work on recognizing each other's bids for what they are and answering them. His research with newlyweds found that turning toward each other in small everyday moments goes with more humor and affection even during conflict (Driver and Gottman, 2004). How each partner responds to low desire matters. When the other partner responds with understanding rather than frustration or avoidance, both partners do better (Rosen and colleagues, 2020). How you say no matters too. Turning down sex in a warm, reassuring way goes with higher satisfaction than turning it down coldly (Kim and colleagues, 2020).
3. Come to know each other's inner world
For the higher desire partner, the invitation underneath is often, "Come and know a real part of who I am." For the lower desire partner it is often, "See me and be with me without pressure." When partners feel responded to and understood, sexual desire tends to rise (Birnbaum and colleagues, 2016). Being satisfied doesn't mean wanting less. It means feeling more connected.
Practices that help
These come from my book You, Me, and We (Hughes, 2017) and from my work with couples.
Build a secure base
Secure base is a term from attachment theory (Bowlby, 1988). In You, Me, and We I describe it as feeling loved, special, cared for, and safe with your spouse. Feeling that your partner is responsive to you is one of the strongest predictors of desire (Birnbaum and colleagues, 2016).
Make a transition into intimacy
Most of us need a space or ritual to shift out of parent mode or work mode before we can feel sexual. Stress and fatigue are major drains on desire (Mark and Lasslo, 2018), so a deliberate transition, like a bath, a walk, or quiet time together, can make a real difference.
Slow down and take the pressure off touch
Touch that doesn't have to lead anywhere, like tracing, holding and talking, and pillow talk, helps both partners relax and pay attention to pleasure instead of performance. This builds on sensate focus, a sex therapy practice developed by William Masters and Virginia Johnson (Masters and Johnson, 1970). Talking openly about sex is linked with better sexual function and satisfaction (Mallory, Stanton, and Handy, 2019).
Plan time for intimacy
Waiting for the perfect spontaneous moment often means waiting a long time, especially with young children. In a recent experiment with parents of young children, shifting their beliefs about planned sex led couples to have sex more often and feel more desire (Kovacevic and colleagues, 2026). Planning isn't unromantic. It's a way of choosing each other.
Keep growing, together and apart
Keeping your own sense of self and seeing your spouse in new ways, like watching them do something they're good at or trying something new together, can renew attraction. This fits self-expansion theory, the idea that growing and learning through a relationship keeps it exciting (Aron and Aron, 1986). Couples who share new and exciting experiences report more desire (Muise and colleagues, 2019), partly because doing new things together helps partners feel more understood by each other (Rosen and colleagues, 2026).
Aim for good enough, not perfect
Not every sexual experience has to be amazing. Sex therapists Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy call this the good-enough sex model (Metz and McCarthy, 2007). Couples who expect variety in how good sex feels, and don't treat an ordinary time as failure, take a lot of pressure off themselves.
Sexual mindfulness: being present together
Mindfulness means paying attention to the present moment with curiosity instead of judgment. Sexual mindfulness brings that same awareness into intimacy: noticing touch, breath, and sensation, and letting worries about performance, your body, or your to-do list pass instead of taking over. It is one of the best-supported tools we have for low desire.
What the research shows
In a randomized trial, eight weekly group sessions of mindfulness-based therapy produced large improvements in women's desire and arousal, and a bigger drop in sexual distress than a comparison program (Brotto and colleagues, 2021). Part of how it works is that people become more aware of what is happening in their own bodies (Brotto and colleagues, 2023). Reviews of the trials find meaningful benefits overall (Stephenson and Kerth, 2017; Banbury and colleagues, 2023), and online mindfulness programs have also improved low desire (Velten and colleagues, 2024; Mahar, Stephenson, and Brotto, 2025). Most of these treatment trials have focused on women's low desire.
Sexual mindfulness in married couples
Researchers at Brigham Young University, led by Chelom Leavitt, have studied sexual mindfulness in large samples of married couples. Spouses who are more sexually mindful report more sexual harmony and relationship flourishing, and their mindfulness benefits their partner too (Leavitt and colleagues, 2021; Leonhardt, Clarke, and Leavitt, 2023). In a study that followed 297 couples every day for 35 days, on days when one partner was more present during sex, both partners reported more desire and satisfaction and less distress (Goldberg and colleagues, 2025).
How to practice it
Start outside the bedroom with a few minutes a day of noticing your breath and body. During non-demand touch, like the pressure-free touch described above, notice what you feel: temperature, texture, pressure, pleasure. When your mind wanders to a worry or a judgment, notice it without scolding yourself and gently bring your attention back to sensation. Afterward, talk with your spouse about what you each noticed, without grading the experience (Brotto, 2018; Leavitt, Whiting, and Hawkins, 2021). Slowing down, noticing, and sharing is the heart of it.
When to check with a doctor
If desire drops suddenly, or if there is pain with sex, erection problems, hormonal changes, postpartum changes, or new medications (including some antidepressants), please see your doctor as well. Physical causes are common and treatable. You can start therapy at the same time, and we're glad to coordinate with your medical care.
Faith and desire differences
Many of the couples I work with are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For them, sexual intimacy in marriage is sacred, and a gap in desire can feel like a spiritual failure on top of a relational one. It isn't. Research with couples in committed relationships found that seeing sex as sacred goes with higher sexual satisfaction, while sex guilt goes with lower satisfaction (Leonhardt, Busby, and Willoughby, 2020). For religious couples, sexual mindfulness and seeing sex as sacred were both linked to higher sexual and relationship satisfaction (Leonhardt, Clarke, and Leavitt, 2023). We take your faith and covenants seriously and help you build a sexual relationship that fits your values instead of working against them. Couples of every faith and background are welcome.
How therapy for desire differences works at Covenant
You can come as a couple or start on your own. Early sessions look at the whole picture: each partner's history with sex, what is happening in your bodies and your stress, the cycle you're caught in, and what each of you most needs to feel close. Then we build a plan together. Most couples feel relief once the blame comes out of the conversation, even before anything else changes.
Our therapists often use the Intersystem Approach to sex therapy, which looks at each partner's body and individual history, the couple relationship, family of origin, and culture and faith together (Weeks, Gambescia, and Hertlein, 2016). I have co-authored published articles using this approach with couples facing more than one sexual concern at the same time (Davies, Gibbons, and Hughes, 2020) and with couples experiencing infertility (Oehler, Freeman, and Hughes, 2021). Couple-based treatments for low desire are showing promising results, including group couples therapy (Kleinplatz and colleagues, 2020) and cognitive behavioral couple therapy (Bouchard, Bergeron, and Rosen, 2025).
We see clients in our Provo and Pleasant Grove offices and by telehealth anywhere in Utah, in English or Spanish. Every therapist accepts self pay, bishop pay, and HSA, and some also accept insurance.
Common questions
Is it normal for married couples to have different sex drives?
Yes. It is one of the most common concerns couples bring to sex therapy, and it shows up in happy marriages too.
My spouse won't come to therapy. Can I start alone?
Yes. Many people start on their own. Understanding the cycle and your part in it often changes the dynamic before your spouse ever comes in.
Is the goal to make us want sex the same amount?
No. The goal is a sexual relationship that works for both of you, where neither partner feels rejected or pressured. In a study of 366 couples, matching in desire didn't predict satisfaction. What mattered more was keeping desire alive and handling differences well (Kim and colleagues, 2021). More isn't always better. Research on well-being suggests benefits level off around once a week, so the focus is connection, not a number (Muise, Schimmack, and Impett, 2016).
Can a lower desire partner's desire grow?
Often, yes. When pressure goes down, emotional safety goes up, and physical causes are addressed, many people find their desire grows. Believing that a sexual relationship can grow with effort is itself linked to higher desire in both partners (Raposo and colleagues, 2021). Responsive desire also means desire can show up once you begin, even if it isn't there first.
Does desire have to fade with age?
No. In an article on sexuality in later life, a colleague and I reviewed research showing that many older adults continue to desire and enjoy a sexual relationship, and that therapy can help older couples who want to improve theirs (Driscoll and Hughes, 2021).
Learn more from Dr. Hughes
The Covenant Sex Podcast
I talk about desire differences in depth on my podcast. Good places to start:
The Sexual Playground for Issues of Sexual Desire Discrepancy
4 High Desire Partner Types
4 Low Desire Partner Types
Why You Want Sex Less Than Your Partner (And What It Actually Means)
Why Sex Feels Like Pressure (How to Change It)
My research and writing
My doctoral dissertation, Couple Attachment and Sexual Desire Discrepancy, is available through BYU ScholarsArchive. My published articles on sex therapy are listed in the references below.
You, Me, and We
My book on marital intimacy, including desire, the sexual response cycle, and practices for couples at every stage of marriage.
Since writing You, Me, and We, my thinking has continued to grow with the research. The biggest change: I would no longer describe sex in marriage as a duty. Research is clear that sex from obligation or pressure tends to lower desire and satisfaction, while sex freely chosen out of love and care helps both spouses (Impett, Peplau, and Gable, 2005; Muise and colleagues, 2013). I would also say less about fixed differences between men and women, since desire varies widely in both. The heart of the book, building closeness, safety, and pleasure together, still holds.
Follow @covenanttherapy on Instagram for short, practical posts on desire and intimacy.
Take the first step
If this describes your marriage, you don't have to keep having the same painful conversation. Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation and we'll help you find the right therapist.
Written by Dr. Anthony Hughes, PhD, LMFT, AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist and author of You, Me, and We. Last reviewed September 2026.
Research referenced
Aron, A., and Aron, E. N. (1986). Love and the expansion of self: Understanding attraction and satisfaction. Hemisphere.
Banbury, S., Lusher, J., Snuggs, S., and Chandler, C. (2023). Mindfulness-based therapies for men and women with sexual dysfunction: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 38(4), 534-555. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2021.1883578
Basson, R. (2000). The female sexual response: A different model. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 26(1), 51-65. https://doi.org/10.1080/009262300278641
Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mizrahi, M., Kanat-Maymon, Y., Sass, O., and Granovski-Milner, C. (2016). Intimately connected: The importance of partner responsiveness for experiencing sexual desire. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 111(4), 530-546. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000069
Bouchard, K. N., Bergeron, S., and Rosen, N. O. (2025). Feasibility of a cognitive-behavioral couple therapy intervention for sexual interest/arousal disorder. Journal of Sex Research, 62(5), 765-775. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2024.2333477
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Brotto, L. A. (2018). Better sex through mindfulness: How women can cultivate desire. Greystone Books.
Brotto, L. A., Zdaniuk, B., Chivers, M. L., Jabs, F., Grabovac, A. D., and Lalumiere, M. L. (2023). Mindfulness and sex education for sexual interest/arousal disorder: Mediators and moderators of treatment outcome. Journal of Sex Research, 60(4), 508-521. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2022.2126815
Brotto, L. A., Zdaniuk, B., Chivers, M. L., Jabs, F., Grabovac, A., Lalumiere, M. L., Weinberg, J., Schonert-Reichl, K. A., and Basson, R. (2021). A randomized trial comparing group mindfulness-based cognitive therapy with group supportive sex education and therapy for the treatment of female sexual interest/arousal disorder. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 89(7), 626-639. https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000661
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Davies, B., Gibbons, I., and Hughes, A. (2020). Treating comorbid sexual dysfunctions using the intersystem sex therapy approach. Contemporary Family Therapy, 43, 12-19. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-020-09552-8
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Goldberg, S. Y., Vaillancourt-Morel, M.-P., Kolbuszewska, M., Bergeron, S., and Dawson, S. J. (2025). Daily sexual mindfulness is linked with greater sexual well-being in couples. Mindfulness, 16(7), 1876-1889. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-025-02596-7
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Hughes, A. A. (2017). You, me, and we: A practical guide to marital intimacy. Cedar Fort. https://www.deseretbook.com/product/5201806.html
Hughes, A. A. (Host). Covenant Sex Podcast [Audio podcast]. https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/dr-anthony-hughes
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Kim, J. J., Muise, A., Barranti, M., Mark, K. P., Rosen, N. O., Harasymchuk, C., and Impett, E. A. (2021). Are couples more satisfied when they match in sexual desire? New insights from response surface analyses. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 12(4), 487-496. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550620926770
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